Monday, October 26, 2009

Moday Musing: Letting Go

I was re-reading a few write ups that I have collected about Kelpies.

The legend goes that Kelpies often disguise themselves as beautiful horses, and can be seen by water. When seen, there is an overwhelming desire to ride them, which often leads to the rider’s death as the Kelpie dashes to the water, and devours its rider.

When reading them it dawned on me that this is often what anger is like. It is so tempting to hold onto anger! It is an effective armour to keep around the heart for those who have been deeply hurt. But eventually you can be devoured by it.

I think that it would be fair to say that lately I have been a very angry person. In my defence, my anger is largely justified, whether talking about a local group who has plagiarized and/or misused a proposal that I wrote for another group 5 times in less than a year and lying about it {these are the times that I know about} to reliving some pretty serious transgressions that were committed against me in my childhood in preparation for trial.

Yes, my own anger is probably justifiable to most, but I am not handling all of this gracefully. I have been so tempted to smear the fuckers who have stolen my work and I have found myself hoping that the asshole who violated me has a long and painful death. This is the type of anger—no, rage—that can consume a person. It clouds your judgement and can make you over react to other things happening in the here and now. If it goes too far, it can make you give up on the world.

I am not ready to give up...I am ready to let go.

I know that the group who stole my writing will be their own undoing, as they are not too bright. Eventually they will piss off the wrong person or organization and either be ostracized or dealt with in a legal arena. This I do not have the time or energy for, and I have bigger things to contend with.

I have faith that my abuser will be found guilty. If this does happen, at the very least he will be put on Canada's sex offender list, and he will be publically known as a child rapist. That way I can put my own demons to rest, knowing that he will think twice before he does it again.

Clearly, I am not coming from a place of forgiveness, nor even relinquishing my anger. I suppose what I am letting go of is my desire for vengeance.

Hey, it's a step.




Hertha said...

I like the analogy that you use here. It is true. Blessings to you for letting go of it and for being strong!

nefaeria said...

Thank you Hertha, you are very sweet. :)

Anonymous said...

I hope that things get better for you soon!

Pyke said...

Good for you Laurel! Blessings and healing!

nefaeria said...

Thanks folks! :)

Medusae said...

Sorry I'm replying so late! I was out of the country for a week.

I feel for you - I'm sorry that you had that kind of shit in your life.
I'm no psychologist, but the whole 'forgiveness' routine never sat right with me. Do what you gotta do, feel how you need to feel, and don't worry about crazy expectations from others.
You sound like you have good people around you, and you're able to centre yourself when need be, and that's gonna help.

We're thinking about you and hope you feel alright soon. It does feel so good to let go, but for now...*hugs*